


Empty

by louis_pip



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Bulimia, Dead People, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Angst, Hinata Shouyou & Tsukishima Kei Friendship, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Major Character Injury, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Sad Tsukishima Kei, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Tsukishima Kei Being an Asshole, Yamaguchi Tadashi's Freckles
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 16:55:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,505
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28567335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/louis_pip/pseuds/louis_pip
Summary: Tsukishima wonders why his team mates are so concerned about his habits, eating is overrated right?Two endings...established relationshipI wrote this on another account on Wattpad, also called louis_pipThis story will refer to bulimia nervosa, anxiety, and suicide. If these are sensitive topics or issues for you please think before reading it. Stay safe.I own none of the characters or images, only the storyline.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Kudos: 26





	1. Chapter 1

They worry too much...  
Why do they all want me to eat so much...  
Can't they just leave me alone...  
I'm not some child they need to look after...

He sat at a table looking at the plate in front of him. His team mates around him stuffed their faces faster than he thought was humanly possible. It was as if he could hear every bite, no not bite, every gram they were gaining in body weight. Disgusting. The plate in front of him only holding a small amount of rice, but he couldn't shake the feeling of sickness that haunted him every time he tried to eat. The way it filled his stomach felt unnatural, he would have to get rid of it as soon as possible.  
"Come on Tsukishima, you need to eat something!" The small red head across from him smiled, if only he knew what he was asking of him. The rest of them stared as he brought a small amount of rice to his mouth, he hesitated for a moment before putting it in. He slowly chewed disgusted by the feeling and taste in his mouth, the way it slid down his throat would have been enough to make him gag if he was alone. And he would have as he always did, that was of course if he ate at all. He continued until he had finally swallowed the last few grains.  
He stood up quickly ready to leave them all, he could already feel the fullness in his stomach. "Where are you going?" He looked down at the smaller green headed boy who had grasped his wrist holding him tight. "Bathroom." He smiled down at him before walking away calmly. As soon as he was out of their sight he began walking as fast as he could, he kept his head down trying to hide the disgust on his face, trying to hold it down for just a little longer.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

He rushed into a stall quickly closing it behind him, he could feel his stomach churning, it was trying to reject the food. His throat instinctively opened as he bent over the toilet in front if him. A burning mix of his stomach acids and small white grains spilled from his mouth leaving a burning sensation in the back if his throat. Over and over he forced the contents of his stomach into the bowl until there was nothing left but acids. Even then he continued. Tears blurred his vision as his body begun to heat up, his skin burning but pale. One last time he used one of his long fingers to activate his gag reflex. What remained spilled out bringing relief to to his body.  
He stood there breathing heavily for a few minutes waiting for his body to cool down. The burning sensation remained in the back of his throat but he dared not swallow water to ease it, no that would just fill him again. He hid in a stall for the remainder of the break . It was only when the bell chimed did he pick up his bag and splash his face with water before leaving. This helped in avoiding the others as much as possible and questions, the time that they would all spend together would be for practice not socialising.  
Deep down he liked his team mates, they had become like friends. But he would never show it even if he knew that they hated him for that. Letting someone in meant that his guard would be down, he couldn't be vulnerable at any time. Letting others know about this would show his weakness and just make them worry, it would become a distraction. The last thing he wanted was to feel like a burden to others. Not eating meant that there was more for everyone else, he didn't want others to go without so instead he himself did. He didn't value his life that much anyway, other people were much more important than himself. He would rather feel the way your body feels without food rather than see someone else experience the feeling.  
After the first few days he had started doing this it had kind of become addictive, the pain of an empty stomach became a good feeling.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

After practice he walked out of the gym not waiting for anyone as he usually did. He didn't want Yamaguchi asking questions, he knew that the boy would have picked up that there was something else going on. Something that was holding him back, stopping him from reaching his full physical capabilities. You see, after a few weeks of not eating properly it starts to become painful to walk, painful to breathe, and painful to continue.  
And so, he continued walking headphones on blasting music as loud as possible. The sound took his mind off of the burning in his lungs and the aching of his muscles. It was so loud that he was unfortunately unable to hear the sound of footsteps quickly approaching him. "Tsukki" he heard a quiet voice from behind him accompanied by the sound of heavy breathing. The boy kept walking before he felt a hand grab the back of his collar.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

"Tsukki!" He brushed the hand off of his collar continuing down the street trying all he could to ignore his friend. "Tsukki! We know something's wrong! That's why I came after you, Sugawara has been worried sick." He stopped in his tracks, his chest felt tight, they knew. Thoughts rushed through his mind, fear enveloped him, the pain in his gut continued to grow, his body began to shiver. "Just talk to me! Please." Yamaguchi came around to face the other boy, he looked up to see a deathly expression on the others face, not anger or hatred, no. The expression that adorns the face of a lifeless body. Tears pricked at his eyes, he didn't know what to do, before he had realised what was happening he pulled the tall boy into a tight embrace.

Tsukishima continued to shiver, why now? He thought, why of all time does this have to happen around him? "Yamaguchi I have to go." His voice cracked as tears found their way to his cheeks. "I-I can't let you go like this Tsukki." He continued to hold onto him tighter than before, all he could hear was the sound of the other's rapid heart beat. "Please, just let go." his voice rose up, Yamaguchi felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up, he'd never heard him use this tone before. "No!" even in fear he clung to Tsukishima's body, he could hear his heartrate increasing, the shaking of the taller boys body, the heat radiating from his skin. But it all changed in a matter of seconds. Before he knew it he was sitting in the middle of the pavement, he watched Tsukishima run down the street turning a corner. "Ts-ukki." he whispered to himself.

He ran... quite a bit faster than he had in a while. After turning a few corners he finally found a place he could sit. "You're safe, you're safe. Calm down. CALM DOWN!" He screamed at himself, god damn it why couldn't he have been born normal. Tear still blurred his vision but he decided to stand up and keep walking. He focussed on the directions he needed to taking count of every step, every movement, every house number, at least it was familiar. After what seemed like an eternity he reached his front door, now just put the key into the lock, twist, and push.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

=inner thoughts=

He sat on his bed staring at his phone, no matter how many times he called the blond he didn't pick up. =Come on Tsukki answer me.= He decided to text him instead. Still no answer, he hadn't even read them. He lay back on his bed, he didn't know what else to do. =Maybe Suga will know.= He quickly dialed the number. He lay there waiting for him to pick up, 6, 7, 8-.  
"Yamaguchi!", he let out a sigh of relief hearing his voice. "How's Tsukishima? Is he alright? Is there something wrong? What am i saying, what's wrong?", he took a deep breath in. "I don't know what's going on with him, I tried to talk to him but... He wasn't responding. And I panicked and hugged him then he started shaking and crying! But he ran off and I can't get hold of him and-" At this point he was choking back tears, =why didn't I go after him now who knows where he is.=  
"Yamaguchi, calm down. It's going to be alright. I'm sure he's at home now, probably tired after practice today. If he doesn't show up to school tomorrow I'll come with you to check on him. It's going to be fine, we'll get to the bottom of this. Okay?" He quickly wiped his eyes. "Mkay, t-thanks Sugawara. But are you sure I shouldn't go now just in case? I have never seen Tsukki like this before."  
"I'm sure, you need to stop worrying for now alright. We have school tomorrow, you don't need to be tired for that. So get some sleep and we can just see what happens."  
But what if he doesn't make it that far  
"R-right. Goodnight Suga."  
Shit  
"Goodnight Yamaguchi."  
The line went flat, he pulled the blanket over himself. =If he's dead. It's my fault. No trust Suga. It'll be alright, don't worry. Just sleep for now.=

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

=inner thoughts=

=Has the- has the ceiling always been that dark? What are you thinking of course it has!=  
He stared at the ceiling wrapped in blankets, it was quiet but his thoughts were screaming at him.   
=Maybe if I...=  
He unwrapped the blanket and sat up, reaching for his glasses, sure the movement made the room around him spin but he thought nothing of it.  
=Nope!=  
The ceiling and his surrounding shook and warped for a few more seconds, he flopped back onto the mattress below.  
=Sleep, that'll fix this! It always does! Just sleep, forget about it all.=  
He lay on his side allowing the darkness to close in around him. Yes, he was still dizzy, and the burning pain returned to his chest but it didn't matter anymore. All that mattered to him now was getting rid of the heaviness. The constant weight that seemed to follow him wherever he went.  
But...the thought of Yamaguchi, his worried expression.  
=Idiot!=  
He rubbed his eyes cursing himself for turning the other boy away.  
=You're weak, how the hell did you let yourself do that to him? Why? Just why? He didn't deserve this, if you'd been stronger! He wouldn't be worried, none of them would be, you're nothing but a burden, a worthless piece of shit sucking the life out of them! Do you really think you should be allowed to live? If it were up to everyone else they'd choose to end you and you know it, it's your fault that they're suffering. If you weren't around they'd be better off!=  
=You think I don't know that? You don't think I already know that it's my fault? Wait, what am I doing?=  
He tried to hold back his tears but it wasn't working anymore. This was the last straw, the final push he needed. Even if he tried to go back, the number of people who'd be pulled into his downward spiral wouldn't be worth it. =Asking for help would just make him more of a burden. But...leaving would take the burden away, it would give his friend freedom again.   
Yamaguchi wouldn't feel the need to follow you around anymore. You know how much people hate you, he just pities you, as long as you're around, people will avoid both of you. He tries so hard to make friends but you hold him back. You tell yourself that you care about him but would someone who cares about someone else like you think you do take away their freedom? No or course not, if you want to see him happy, truly alive and free, you know exactly what you need to do! Stop being so fucking selfish!=

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

This might be hard to follow but... here we go!!  
^Yamaguchi thinking^  
+Yamaguchi texting+  
• Tsukishima texting•  
=Tsukishima thinking=  
Normal narrating

^He's fine, stop worrying, he wouldn't actually do anything, right? But- no! You'll see him tomorrow just like Suga said!^  
It was 2 am for gods sake, but there was no getting around it. He grabbed his phone cursing himself for not letting it go for the night.

+Are you awake?+

^Just start off simple if he doesn't reply then there's nothing to worry about!^  
He looked at his screen, a small bubble appeared.  
He's responding?

•I am now•

+Sorry!+

•For what?•

+Waking you up+

•Don't worry about it•

+Why are you awake anyway?+

=God can it Yams! It's alright stay calm, just apologise to him, make up, and you can go in peace.=

•I, had a nightmare and couldn't get back to sleep...•

=As if he's going to believe that!=

+Really? What was it about?+

=Damn it!=

•I don't remember•

+Are you sure this was because of a nightmare?  
Is there something wrong?+

=FUU- no, of course he could tell!=

•Well...•

+Well?+  
•Wait is this about earlier?•

=Thank God he got it!=

*Kinda, i was just wondering if you were alright.+

=Of couse he could tell.=  
He took a deep breath in.

•I'm fine it happens all the time okay? There's nothing to be worried about, im sorry that you had to see that.•

+Its okay Tsukki! But, are you sure that you're alright?+

Tsukishima continued to search through the cabinet, reading over bottles over the many bottles of capsules. He was fine, he was better than he had been in a while.

•Yep•

+No you're not.+

•What?•

•What do you mean?•

+I mean exactly what I said.+

He pulled on a coat closing the front door as quietly as possible  
^Just keep him texting^

•Yams, I'm alright•

=Keep calm! He already knows that something's up just cut off the conversation.=  
He unscrewed the lid off of a bottle of sleeping pills.

+Tsukki please tell me the truth.+

+Tsukki?+

Panic started to set in, he wasn't responding. He continued through the streets picking up the pace.

+Tsukishima!+

He rounded another corner.  
^Just a bit further^

+Come on Tsukki!+

+Are you there?+

+Tsukki I'm coming over.+

He looked down at his phone not bothering to turn it on again, if it didn't stop vibrating his parents would hear him. He walked out to the front porch admiring the stars, they slowly became blurred.  
Tears?  
He felt their strange wet warmth run down his cheeks. His body felt heavy, but his head felt light. He looked up at the stars again, slowly losing feeling.  
=Yams..=

He couldn't seem to keep his eyes open anymore.

=I'm sorry=

His breathing slowed, his body became numb.

^Shit...^  
He fell out of consciousness.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Normal text=narration  
*inner thoughts*  
~that little voice in the back of your head that you talk to whilst planning things~

*Why?  
Why did you come for me?  
Why couldn't you just let me die?  
Why are you so bent on keeping me alive?*

He sat alone in his room. Three weeks had passed since 'the incident', Tsukishima still couldn't understand why he was alive. He racked his brain for reasons why Yamaguchi would do what he did or why his mother seemed so concerned. Tears welled in his eyes again, that's something that changed after he woke up, he would just let it out. He should have been dead but he wasn't. He hated it, being alive after trying so hard not to be, having to live with the pain from before but with no way to hide it anymore.

This happened years before, he'd really tried to keep his emotions hidden after that. He learned to hide and repress anything that could be seen as weakness, but he couldn't seem to hold it anymore. And now once again people were getting in the way. He was a just a worthless piece of shit, nothing more, everything less. That's what he thought anyway.

~So, they're keeping the medicine cabinet locked so that's out of the question, bleach just makes you throw up for a few days.~ *Would-*~ no you don't want to suffer for too long do you? What if you just...hanged yourself.~

He stared at the ceiling fan.

~No way fat ass you're too heavy.~

A small chime came from his bed side table.

*Yams...*

More tears welled in his eyes, why did he care. He was so cold towards him, why did the kid keep hanging around him? Why did he feel concerned about the boy? Why did he care about him? What made him want to get rid of all of Yamaguchi's anxiety and troubles? Why did he want to see the boy thrive? So many fucking questions he couldn't find the answers to.

~Say goodbye to him at school tomorrow alright? Just tell him that you appreciate him, wish him the best. Simple. Simple. SIMPLE.~ *But he'll think that somethings wrong.* ~Then take anything you need to finish this with you. The park where you went after you fucked things up a couple of weeks back should be fine. There's a lake near there right?~ *Right...*~Come on do I have to explain anymore than that?!~ *O-okay, so drowning, that doesnt sound so bad.*

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Yamaguchi's P.O.V

I haven't seen Tsukki all week, he doesn't come to school, he doesn't answer my calls, whenever I see him whilst walking past his home, he turns away. Is he mad? It has been around three weeks since he...well. I heard he got out of hospital recently, not heard I know that he's out of hospital. Well, tomorrow's Monday anyway so hopefully he'll be back at school by then. Suga seems worried, he keeps asking about Tsukki but I don't have any answers. Aside from that it seems like everyone else has kind of forgotten about him, I miss him though. I miss him so, so, much. I can't wait until he comes back, but it's bugging me, what if he's worse than before? What if he tried something else? Will he ever go back to the way it was?  
He was already thin when I found him that night, i followed him to the bathroom that day too. He's more unwell than I thought, either he was physically ill which would be a lot better believe it or not, or it's a repeat of what happened back in middle school. When I caught him doing that to himself it wasn't really a surprise. Tsukki can be hard to read at times but when it comes to things like this he's like an open book. He's nothing but bones, he can't see that it's bad for him. No matter what I say to him or try to help it doesn't seem to change him. When he was admitted to hospital for the first time in was confused, he refused to tell me why he ended up there but I overheard his parents talking to mine. That's when I realised why Tsukki was acting so strangely, he was sick, and he still is.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

=inner thoughts=

=Find Yamaguchi, tell him what you need to tell him. That's why you came today, to try and make things right with him. Leave before he can walk home with you, hang on, don't go to practice, you'll be able to avoid him that way.= He kept his head down in class focussing on the paper in front of him, he blocked out the sound of the teachers voice for the first few lessons. He ignored the urge to look over at Yamaguchi, you don't want to seem weaker than you already do, he was already on the verge of tears who knows what would have happened if he had made contact with him.  
The bell chimed signalling the end of another class, he put on his earphones, students filed out of the classroom until they were the only ones remaining. He rested his head on the desk in front of him, still tense from the class and the presence of the boy in the room. The music became quiet, a finger tapped his shoulder, he felt the headphones being removed.  
"Tsukki", a small voice whispered.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

He looked up to see the other boys teary eyes. "I'm sorry Yams." He turned his face away as he felt his cheeks warm up again, tears. His throat felt tight, idiot! "Tsukki, it's alright okay? We'll get through this I promise!" He felt a warm pair of arms wrap around his shoulders, the feeling of the small boys breath on the back of his neck. They stayed there in the classroom unmoved until the bell chimed. "Yamaguchi, you should go back to your seat, they'll get the wrong idea if they see us like this." He whispered, voice hoarse from crying. "Sorry Tsukki." He squeezed tighter for a moment before releasing the other boy from his arms. He turned to return to his seat, but he couldn't. "Tsukki?" He crouched down next to the desk resting his chin on it.  
Tsukishima wiped a stray tear from Yamaguchi's eye. "Are you coming to practice? The team seems worried." The room started to become louder with dozens of conversations. "I, can't today." Yamaguchi opened his mouth to say s something only to be cut off by a voice from the front of the room telling him to take his seat. Before they knew it classes were already over. Tsukishima packed his things leaving as fast as he could.

=Avoid Yamaguchi.= He found himself at the school gate steering clear of anyone who wanted to talk. Luckily there weren't many. He was half way down the street before a firm hand grasped his arm. He turned around to see who the person was only to be met by three pairs of eyes. "Tsukishima!" The ball of sunshine beamed with excitement. "Hinata you idiot he might still be sick!" Kageyama hit him over the back of the head. Heavy footsteps drew closer, Suga. "Tadashi! Why didn't you tell me he was back?" =Too many people, you need to leave.= Whilst the group scolded each other he started to walk away. "Oi!" Sunshine child followed him. "Why don't you come back to practice? Even Bakayama misses you a bit!" The child elbowed Kageyama in the ribs. "The team misses you." He sighed, they were idiots but he knew they wouldn't stop. "I really should be going now." He put his headphones on turning away, he caught one last glimpse of Yamaguchi's face before walking away.

Aight so from this point on there are two endings. The next chapter is the sad ending, the one after that’s is the happier ending


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People die  
> People cry  
> Funerals everywhere  
> IF YOU ARE EVEN THE SLIGHTEST BIT SENSITIVE TO THE TOPICS OF SUICIDE, DEATH, GORE OR CHOKING, PLEASE JUST GO TO THE NEXT CHAPTER. THIS WILL INCLUDE MATURE CONTENT, NOT SMUT BUT MATURE CONTENT.

=inner thoughts=

Tsukishima's P.O.V.  
He continued down the street, =shit!= He could hardly breathe, it would be over soon. The forest of trees that surrounded the lake came into view, quiet, he'd be at peace at last. That morning he had decided against drowning, it would take too long. He walked through the trees watching the ground until he came across a tall old tree, =perfect=. It wasn't long before he had made his way up, high amongst some branches. =This should be high enough.= He wrapped the rope around the branch securing it with a firm knot. =I'm sorry Tadashi.= He tightened it around his neck. He could almost feel the warmth of Yamaguchi's presence earlier that day. He closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall. The air rushed past for what felt like an eternity. =I, can't breathe.= He opened his eyes realising what was happening. His feet hovered above the ground just out of reach. =Damn it.= He struggled trying to release himself. His hands found their way to his throat but it just seemed to get tighter, it dug deeper. Minutes crept by feeling like hours. His skin felt as if it was burning, his face felt tight pricking with pins and needles. He couldn't move his arms, the world around him seemed to fade away. "TSUKKI!" screamed a voice, but he was gone.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Yamaguchi's P.OV  
"TSUKKI!" He screamed. He ran over to the tree trying desperately to get up. His foot found leverage as he reached for a low branch only for his legs to give out from beneath him. "Tsukki?" His voice shook. "Come on Tsukki this isn't funny." He looked up at the boy. "Tsukishima?" He stopped, his vision clouded with tears. With a shaking hand he pulled out his phone calling Sugawara. "Suga it's Tsukishima he's not breathing I need help he won't come down and he's not talking to me and I can't help him!" His voice cracked as he yelled through the device. " Tadashi you need to stay calm it's alright. I need you to tell me where you are okay? Can you do that?" He ran out of the gym following the broken directions coming through to him, he tried his best to keep the other boy calm. When he found them Yamaguchi was sat on the ground with his head in his knees close to the body of his friend. His eyes drifted up to Tsukishima's shoulders before he stopped himself. =No, you have to be here for Tadashi.= He approached the boy and sat facing him placing a hand on his shoulder. Yamaguchi wrapped his arms around him holding him tight. He did the same, squeezing him like he would never let go. The young boy shivered, sobbing into his shirt. He ran his fingers through Yamaguchi's hair, trying to comfort him, Daichi finally found them approaching slowly. At first he only saw the two sitting on the ground, he stopped in his tracks when he saw his former team mate hanging from the tree.  
The rest of the team drew closer. "What's wrong Daichi-san why'd ya stop?" Hinata ran over to him, then he froze. He took a breath in averting his gaze to the ground, tears welled in his eyes, his smile faded. "A-Asahi can you help me?" Nishinoya stepped forward, they two of them approached the tree. Nishinoya scrambled up the trunk and through the branches, he carefully untied the rope. They slowly lowered the body down onto the ground. "We sh-should call the police." Ennoshita walked away from the group, his voice trembled as he spoke. Yamaguchi sobbed harder holding onto Suga as if his life depended on it.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Sugawara's P.O.V  
It has been a week since the funeral. Tadashi doesn't show up to school anymore. We're worried, Tsukishima was his childhood friend, they are like one being. Sometimes I go over and check on him but he doesn't seem like the same cheerful person he was before. Every time I see him he seems more and more exhausted even if he tries to hide it. He didn't go to the funeral, none of us did. It wouldn't have felt right after what happened. I remember the last time I saw, him, I held Tadashi in my arms, we walked with the police, he couldn't bring himself to speak or look anyone in the eye. By that time Tsukishima looked pale, the rope burns were still fresh, he couldn't have died instantly with those injuries. Dried...He must have been struggling as he died. He tried claw his fucking throat out, that's what it looked like at least. We plan on telling Nekoma's captain when we get the chance, that is if he hasn't heard already of course. Daichi didn't have the heart to do it alone, we plan to within the next week or so. They seemed close, Fukurodani's captain and setter as well, strange, who would have thought people as loud as them would become close to Tsukishima of all people? But, still, who would have thought it would end like this. Tadashi didn't tell us about Tsukishima, he still hasn't. I suspect he was lying about why Tsukishima was hospitalized. There was something else going on under the seams. If I'd tried harder to get him to practice, if we'd walked with him and made sure he got home, if I was more considerate and talked to him more, would he still be here? Could we have saved him? What am I saying, of course he'd still be here.

-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

~Time skip~

The third years walked down to a small store, the school year was over for them. "Remember when we'd come here after practice and eat meat buns?" Hinata chuckled gazing through the windows. "Yeah..." Yachi sighed. "For the last time no!" Yelled Kageyama a serious expression painted his face. They all burst out into laughter. The three continued along the street. They walked past a small worn path. Yachi stopped."18." She stated, Hinata and Kageyama turned around. "What?" Kageyama took a deep breath in pursing his lips. Sudden realisation dawned on Hinata, his smile faded. "Do you guys want to..." His voice trailed off. He led the others on the path, through the trees, and down near the lake. They stopped and stared at one particular tree. A small, wooden box sat at the base of the tree. The roots has started to envelop it, through the rotting wood, finding their way through the cracks opening it up, becoming one. Another small tree grew out from underneath, it's branches thin and fragile, leaves a vibrant green. They stood there in silence taking in their surroundings. They had placed two pieces of paper in the box the year before, one older than the other, both held a message of brokenness, suffering, and a bond that couldn't be broken. Yachi wiped a tear from her eye a broken smile refused to leave her face. Hinata stared at the ground, his body tense, tears fell from his eyes, he let out a shaky breath. Kageyama bit his lip trying to hold back his tears.  
"Hey guys, we made it."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Happier ending!  
> Tsukishima is suicidal, so is Yamaguchi.  
> They try to help each other out but it doesn’t go too well...  
> No death this time though.  
> More stuff involving eating disorders in this chapter.

They stood for a while confused. "What was that about?" Kageyama shrugged, they all looked to Yamaguchi. He still didn't take his eyes away from the direction the taller had disappeared in. "I can't tell you." Hinata quirked his head to one side. "Why not?" Suga glared down at him for a second. "Tadashi you should go after him." Yamaguchi turned around to face them. "Is that okay?" Suga rolled his eyes nodding.  
Yamaguchi ran down the road where they would usually walk together before catching a glimpse of him turning onto another pathway. "Tsukki!" He yelled out. The blond showed no signs of stopping. Yamaguchi eventually caught up to him grabbing onto his wrist pulling him so that they were face to face. "Come on Kei don't do this!" The taller rolled his eyes turning away.  
He took hold of Tsukishima's shoulder spinning him to face him. He grasped his collar pulling him down to his height. "Fucking listen to me! You're better than this. I don't know why this is happening, and I sure as hell don't know how to fix this! But for gods sake please tell me something! It hurts like hell to see you like this I can't even imagine what you feel like right now! But I can't do shit if you don't say something."  
Tsukishima's eyes widened as Yamaguchi spoke. His hands still held his collar. It took a moment or two for Yamaguchi to catch his breath. Tsukishima smirked as Yamaguchi slowly loosened his grip. "Why do you care so much Yams? It doesn't make any sense in the slighte-"  
"I care because that's what friends do. No matter how much of a prick the other may be! Wind me up and push me away as many times as you want because I'm like a fucking yo-yo! You're not getting away from me this easily!" Tsukishima looked into his eyes trying to work out if he was being serious. "I'm serious." Yamaguchi's grip tightened even more pulling Tsukishima in closer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tsukishima stayed quiet, staring blankly at the ground in front of them. Yamaguchi let go off his collar taking a few steps back. His head dropped to face the ground as he played with the hem of his shirt "Please Tsukki...come back with me." He didn't mean for it to come out so aggressively but he couldn't help it. "If you had died that night. If you died tonight. I'd be right behind you and you know it." Tsukishima's eyes shot up. The green haired boys voice shook like his hands. "There's so much more I want to do in this life. But I can't do it without you." A loud sob escaped from his stomach he refused to meet Tsukishima's eyes.  
"Please K-" he felt a soft warmth envelop him, long arms made their way around his torso pulling him closer. He wrapped his arms around the others shoulders pulling him down. He rested his face in crook of his neck, tears still escaped from him but it didn't matter anymore.  
Eventually they found themselves outside of Yamaguchi's home. "A-are you sure they'll alright with this." Yamaguchi nodded his head unlocking the door. His parents wouldn't be home that night or the next, it wasn't much but he hoped it would be enough to start putting everything back together. They kicked off their shoes, "Want something to drink?" Tsukishima stared at him for a moment. How was this boy so polite? "Nah I'm alright." With that Yamaguchi took him by the hand and lead him to his room.  
They were halfway through the first film when Yamaguchi started to ask questions. He could feel him tensing up under the blanket whilst his eyes remained on the laptop screen. "Since...first year of middle school." Yamaguchi nodded willing him to say more. "It started off with just skipping breakfast because I'd end up looking bloated if I ate in the mornings." His voice started to become a bit less stable. "Then I guess it got worse when people started to say that they didn't think that I'd ever 'fill in my frame' as much as I did. So I started wearing baggier clothes and eating less." Yamaguchi quickly turned to face him. "Wait that was because of that?" Tsukishima's eyes dropped, he nodded swallowing audibly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They sat in silence watching the film. When it finished Yamaguchi moved up to the bed "Goodnight Tsukki." The other hummed in reply. He stared at the ceiling for a while unable to fall asleep. Eventually he rolled over looking down at Tsukishima who was facing in the other direction. He lay there watching for a while until Tsukishima let out a sigh. "Yams I can feel your nervous energy from here." He grabbed his glasses and sat up. "What is is?" Yamaguchi's eyes widened. "I-uh I was just thinking do you want a change of clothes to sleep in? That uniform can't possibly be comfortable. Y'know what!" He jumped up practically running to a wardrobe. "Here ya go." He chucked a t shirt that was way to big for him and a pair of sweatpants at the taller boy. Tsukishima rolled his eyes but he accepted it, he got up and left without a word.  
Shit, get it together! Yamaguchi sat down on the edge of his bed waiting for him to return. After a while the door opened once again as Tsukishima returned. Yamaguchi smiled relieved as if he had expected him not to. He patted the bed next to him. The taller boy walked towards him keeping his hands in the pockets. "We have schools tomorrow, and you can't afford to miss it." Yamaguchi gave him a confused look. "Tsukki I honestly don't care about that right now." He looked down into the space between them.  
It had been a while since they'd spent a night together, and to be honest Yamaguchi didn't know why he hadn't broken it off yet. It was complicated to say the least. Going from staying over with each other every couple of days to hardly speaking over the course of as week was...different.  
"Yams what's wrong?" Tsukishima leant forward. Yamaguchi shook his head. "Please bub." He placed a hesitant hand on Yamaguchi's knee. It took a while for him to respond this time. "Haven't heard that in a while." He held onto it inspecting his arm and wrist. "Why didn't you tell me that it was getting this bad again?"  
"I couldn't bring myself to."  
"But you know that I would've understood."  
"Yes, and I know how exactly how it would have gone down."  
"Tsukki you know I wouldn't leave you."  
"Can you really be sure of that though? Yams we know it's going to happen."  
"But why should we be thinking about that now?"  
"Because that's the one thing I'm scared of alright? I'm scared that I'll fuck this up, and that you'll leave me forever."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Kei...if it comes to that we'll deal with it if we get there. But for now let's just enjoy whatever the hell you call this and try to make it last." Tsukishima squeezed his hand. "Yams I wasn't supposed to be around for this long."

"Yes you were. What in the world would make you say that?"

"It's because of you that I'm still here. Just one person. One...person who cared. Is that really enough of a reason?"

"How stupid are you! I'm scared of losing you too! Don't you understand that?" He took a few breaths squeezing Tsukishima's hand tighter. "I thought I'd lost you the last time. And the time before that and the time before that! You shouldn't be scared because I won't leave you! Do you realise how scared I am? Because I know how likely it is that I will and I fucking hate those odds!" His voice broke as he burst into tears. Tsukishima pulled him in closer holding him tight to his chest.

Yamaguchi let out a sob pushing him away slightly. "Please Kei. Promise me that you'll tell me if it's getting bad again." Tsukishima looked down at him bringing his hands to cup his face wiping the tears from his cheeks. "I promise." He gritted his teeth. It was already getting bad. It's been bad for a while.

Yamaguchi nodded before wrapping his arms around the taller boys neck. He lay a quick kiss on his cheek then pulled away. They sat in silence for a moment or two. Tsukishima took the blanket wiping the tears that still came from the small boys eyes. "It's okay." Yamaguchi nodded quickly sniffling a bit. "I'm not going to leave you." Liar. "I know." Liar. "I love you." He nodded. "I love you too." They lay down eventually starting to drift off again. "See you in the morning." Tsukishima chuckled pulling him closer.

LIAR!  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


When did you realise it was getting bad?

He lay awake remembering the one time he had gone to see a therapist.

I knew it was getting bad when...the clothes I had once struggled to put on slipped right off no matter what. When the pain in my chest made me double over in the middle of class. When I could see the bones in my wrists and the beating of my heart though my ribs. When the hair on my head started to fall out and the bile in my stomach burnt in the back of my throat.

When people started to point it out...when the rumours spread that I was just a cheap whore. When people would stay and watch to make sure that I ate. When they didn't let me into the restroom without someone at the door. When they asked why I always looked tired or why my voice was so scratchy and low. Why they could hear my stomach from the next desk and with that...why i didn't eat breakfast.

When people started telling me to eat. Forcing me to eat. When he pulled me out of the bathroom for the first time. When they questioned why I was thin.

How do you stay so skinny? What diet are you on? How on earth do you fast for six days a week? Why don't you bring lunch? When was the last time you ate something? Aren't you hungry? Do you at least eat dinner? Is that seriously all you're going to eat? How do you fit into that?

I wish I was that thin!

No you don't. You don't want to be like that. You don't want to be constantly starving, constantly burning. You don't want to be sweating and tired all the time. You don't want to be treated the way you would be. You don't want to pile on the makeup to try and look like you're alive. You don't want restless and painful nights where no matter how you lie you can't fight the burning. You feel like you're burning up. Burning from the inside out. You don't want 2 cups of water for a meal.

You want to recognise yourself.

You don't want a different person looking back at you in the mirror every single time you try. You want to know what you look like. Not an ever morphing and twisting image you can't even make out to be a human anymore.

That's what he wanted to tell the therapist. That's what he wanted to tell the people who had asked him those questions.

He wrapped his arm tighter around Yamaguchi's waist. His warmth and presence seemed to dull the pain in his chest.

  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


The early morning sun shone through the window. He stretched out feeling for the warmth of the smaller boy beside him. The mattress was still warm...he must've just woken up as well. He struggled to find his glasses for a moment before he made out the sight of Yamaguchi. He sat in the corner next to the door clutching a piece of paper. "What's this?" Tsukishima took a minute to register what was happening...what exactly he was holding. "Nothing Yams." Yamaguchi stood up opening the note. "I keep making the same mistakes over and over." Tsukishima stood up reaching for the note. "You won't have to worry anymore." He looked up at the blond. "Kei. Were you..." Tsukishima shook his head. "I would do it twice."

"Well it seems like you would." He continued to read over the hastily written note. "You know that I'd follow you." Tsukishima reached out again taking the paper. "That'd just be a waste of life. You need to live." Yamaguchi shook his head. "And I won't without you. You have my word, if anything happened to you, if I knew that you wouldn't recover, I'd join you as soon as I could."

"What good would that do?"

"Well what other reason would I have?"

"Your family, school, friends, you have your whole life ahead of you."

"Exactly! So do you. Why don't you see that?!"

"Because I'm fucked and you aren't."

"But you aren't beyond repair."

"You know that's not true."

"Well can you tell me what you were thinking about last night."

"What do you mean?"

"You were awake for hours."

"What's the time? You've got school."

"Don't change the fucking subject!"

"Please Kei. Give me a name. Tell me how I can help."

"Bulimia."  
  


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


Yamaguchi POV

And with that Tsukki left.

I was taking a shower when I heard the door slam shut.

Then the cycle continued.

School

Home

Research

School

Home

Research

When I found out what it was something seemed to click. This unknown illness, it wasn't so mysterious anymore. But as I suspected it would most likely kill him in the end if he didn't do it himself. After three days the body starts to burn the fat stores, then once that's gone, muscle tissue. Vital muscle tissue. It puts strain on the body and leaves you out of breathe. This was already showing in Tsukki, it had been for a while now.

Unless he seeks professional help.

There's nothing i can do.

So I just check in each day whether it be in person or FaceTime.

Just to see his face and make sure he's still alive.

It's the day of graduation.

Tsukishima's here, although he had to be dragged.

He says that he doesn't plan on living past today.

So I'm keeping him within my sight at all times tonight. Just in case.

The five of us made it through though!

Hinata, Kageyama, Yachi, Tsukki and I.

It's still hard for me to comprehend how we did it.

It's crazy to think that one meeting in a park led us here.

But we made it.


End file.
